First Trimester

Our last visit to the fertility doctor occurred on April 13th, a little over a week after our last appointment that confirmed our pregnancy. We were there to find a heartbeat and make sure that everything was still okay. I had had some bleeding over the weekend between the appointments. It made us really nervous. We'd called the on-call doctor when it happened and he said to just watch it and if it got worse or didn't stop to go to the hospital. Luckily it wasn't very severe and quickly stopped. We felt relieved, but were very anxious as we waited for the few days until our appointment to pass. There was a lot of praying during those days.

At the doctor's office that day, we held hands and held our breath as the doctor began the ultrasound. The little sac appeared with that tiny grey speck inside. As the doctor zoomed in, one of the pixels on the screen began to blink. Our baby had a heartbeat. It was a beautiful sight! The heartbeat measured strong and normal. We both exhaled with relief and couldn't help but smile. Next he measured the baby, who was right on schedule at six and a half weeks. Everything looked normal and perfect. Our due date would be Dec 1st. The doctor and staff congratulated us and we all took a moment to celebrate our success.

It may not seem like much to you, but to us it was everything. Six and a half weeks.

Measuring the heartbeat.

Before leaving we thanked the doctor and staff for all of their help. Everything had gone so much smoother and quicker than we had imagined. We were no longer under their care and now able to see a regular OB/GYN. After we left the office we called our parents to give them the good news. We also called all of our siblings to announce our happiness. It was another great day.

I found a OB/GYN that I thought would be good and called and scheduled an appointment. They would see me in one month. I had been feeling really nauseous now for about one and a half weeks, and was so tired. I didn't have any energy at all. I wasn't sick enough that I was throwing up, but just enough that all food sounded gross. I didn't love feeling this way, but tried not to complain too much. We finally had a normal pregnancy, which we were so happy about.

On April 27th, eight and a half weeks along, I woke up in a pool of blood around 1 am. It was a lot of blood, and it just kept coming. I immediately woke Brian up and he helped me to the bathroom. I stripped off my blood-soaked clothes and got in the shower. I wasn't in any pain, just bleeding profusely. I thought for sure I was miscarrying. Brian helped me out of the shower, into some clothes, and out to the car. We headed to the emergency room.

During the drive to the hospital, I just kept telling Brian how sorry I was. We were both so sure that we were losing the baby. With that amount of blood, that just kept flowing, how could the baby still be there? I wasn't feeling panicked or afraid, which surprised me. I think Brian was though. I didn't cry. I felt strangely calm. I still wasn't in any pain, but the continuously flowing blood was starting to soak through my pants. I just kept thinking over and over that this was it. If we lost this one, I was done. I couldn't do it again. I couldn't put myself or Brian through this ever again. I just repeated in my head, "Lord, I can't do this again, don't let us lose this one."

We arrived at the hospital and Brian helped me inside and into a wheelchair. We had to check in at the desk, which took far to long. I still wasn't in any pain or feeling nervous, but I was getting a bit concerned about the amount of blood that I had lost, and was still losing. Finally, they wheeled me back to a room in the ER and Brian helped me change into a gown. A nurse came and checked my vitals and got a brief history. Brian called our parents to let them know what was going on, and to ask for prayers.

We met briefly with the on-call doctor to assess my situation. He ordered an ultrasound. A tech came and wheeled my bed down a few hallways to a room with an ultrasound machine. Brian stayed by my side the whole time. As he started the ultrasound, I didn't expect to see anything on the screen. Just a blank emptiness that we were all too familiar with. Brian held my hand so tightly as we waited. We were both extremely surprised when an image of our baby appeared on the screen. His little heart was just beating away, strong and sure.  It was one of the most beautiful sights we've ever seen. I looked at Brian and he had tears in his eyes. I just breathed out a sigh of relief. We still had a baby. I didn't understand how it was still possible for him to be there, but he was. It was a miracle. I relaxed. We were going to be okay. We hadn't lost him.

A few weeks later Brian was talking about the experience, and he described it so beautifully. He said something to the affect that at that moment he felt both terrified and joyful. Out of that scary awful trial, he was able to experience the greatest joy. He didn't like that it happened, and would rather not have gone through that, but because he had, he'd been able to feel some of the purest joy that he's ever felt before. I'm so grateful for him, and his solid support throughout this whole experience. Many people that we've talked to have remarked that a woman becomes a mom when she learns she's pregnant, but a man doesn't really become a dad until the baby is born. In our case, that is so untrue. Brian became a dad the moment I told him about that positive pregnancy test. He has been so excited for and so in love with this baby from that moment on. It is the most endearing thing in the world, and I love him all the more because of it. His excitement and love only adds to my own, and I'm so grateful to have him as my partner in all of this.

They took me back to the ER room and we talked to the doctor a bit. He told us that I had a subchorionic hematoma. Basically blood had been trapped and building up between the placenta and uterus, and was now being expelled. Mine was quite large, but it didn't necessarily mean that I would miscarry. I still could, but I also could be fine. After some instruction from the doctor to monitor the blood flow and come back if it didn't subside or stop, to drink lots of fluids, stay on bed rest for a few days, and get in to see our OB as soon as possible, we were discharged.

Luckily, Brian had packed some extra clothes for me before we left, so I was able to change from the hospital gown into some clean ones. We drove home, exhausted. It was around 4 am when we got home. Brian called the parents and informed them of all that had happened. I curled up on the couch and tried to fall asleep. Brian was still energized from the adrenaline rush and feeling very antsy, so he put that nervous energy to good use and cleaned up the bed and bathroom. It all looked like a crime scene. I was too worn out to be of much help, and he wouldn't have let me do anything anyway. The bleeding was finally starting to slow. I was able to fall asleep for a few hours. When I woke up everything was clean and Brian was just laying down to try and get some sleep. I felt bad that he'd done all the cleanup work, but also very grateful. He sent an e-mail in to work explaining briefly what happened and that he would be staying home that day. We both fell back asleep for awhile.

Somewhere during all of this--I don't remember exactly when, but I think it was after we'd gotten home from the hospital--Brian gave me a blessing. Among other things, we were promised that myself and the baby would be protected and that I would carry him to full term. That was very comforting to hear, and ever since receiving that blessing, I've not seriously worried about losing our baby. I'm so grateful for the priesthood and a husband who is worthy to hold it.

When we woke up again, we ate some breakfast and fielded all the missed phone calls we gotten from family. Brian also learned that the top managing editors at his company had been let go that day. It was a crazy 24 hours to say the least. Everything always seems to happen at once though. We spent the rest of the day just laying low and taking it easy. I called our OB's office and told them what had happened. They scheduled me an appointment for the next morning.

At that appointment, we met our doctor for the first time. We immediately liked him. He did another ultrasound to check on the baby and the hematoma. The baby was still fine. The hematoma was still present--an ugly black shadow on the screen. My bleeding had slowed considerably over the last day. He explained that although it was one of the biggest hematomas that he'd ever seen, that it was in about the best position it could be. It was between the baby and my cervix, so that as it continued to drain, it wouldn't put any pressure on or really have much affect on the baby. He also said that bed rest wasn't really necessary. He did want me to take it a bit easy, not go running marathons or anything, but my normal daily activities wouldn't cause additional problems. Another sigh of relief. I didn't relish the prospect of bed rest starting in my first trimester. Everything else looked really good, and although there still was a chance of miscarriage, he said that he wasn't very concerned about that happening. All good news. After a blood draw and a urine test, we left the office, feeling much more confident about everything.

Look at that cute little gummy bear. The hematoma is the darker curving line stretching out above the baby.

Here is a video of our little one at 9 weeks. What a beautiful heartbeat.

A few days later my Mom and sisters Kiley and Annie came down to visit and help me out so I could have some more time to rest and recover while Brian returned to work. It was so nice to see them and have help for a few days.

After they left, life returned back to normal. The bleeding slowed more and more every day and stopped completely after a week or two. I continued to feel nauseous, but it never got to the point that I couldn't keep anything down. I just felt sick to my stomach all the time, and exhausted. In fact I only threw up once during the first trimester, and that was after I had taken an antibiotic my OB prescribed me for a bladder infection. In the process of getting to the bathroom, I dropped my phone and broke it. I have a phobia of throwing up, so the fact that I did was bad enough, but then I broke my phone. Ugh. It was not a good day.

At twelve weeks, I began to feel my energy return and the nausea started to lessen. One week later, I was only feeling nauseous at night, but my days were so much better. I felt like myself again, and was so grateful. It was so wonderful. Morning sickness is no joke, and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's really rough, and I didn't even have it as bad or as long as others do. Soon, even the nauseousness I was experiencing at night ended. I felt good, really good.

At my 13 week appointment, the baby had grown and was still looking wonderful. Brian couldn't make it to that one, so it was just me. The appointment was quick, but they did an ultrasound, just to make sure everything still looked good. Our little one looked like an actual baby this time, and I could see him moving around in there. It was so fun to see him wiggle on the screen for the first time. Brian was sad that he had missed it.The hematoma had shrunk considerably and was barely visible on the ultrasound. We had made it to the second trimester.