Thoughts

So I'm supposed to be cleaning our apartment right now, but I wanted (needed) to take a break and write a blog post. I've done so good blogging this year. I'm super proud of myself. Yay me! Most likely because of all the new and exciting things we've gotten to do and see here in New York. I wanted to document every minute of our stay here because someday when we have kids we can tell them that their mom and dad were super cool and lived in New York and got to do all of this amazing stuff. That is, if we don't stay here long enough to have kids and have them grow up remembering being here. Brian and I have talked about this before. We have said that if we move before we have kids, we should just wait to tell them that we lived in New York until they are teenagers. We both have learned things about our parents that we can hardly believe. It kind of messes with your mind. That's right, we are already planning ways to mess with our future children's minds. Awesome.

Life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs lately. The ups have been sky high and the downs have been swift falls. I hate roller coasters in reality, let alone in emotions and life events. If you have been privileged to ride a roller coaster with me the two times that I've ridden one, you will know that it tends to make me say some not so happy words. A few times in the last few months, I've felt the exact same way about life.

I've gone through and am going through some trials that have completely frustrated and disappointed me and some of which have broken my heart. They are things that I don't really have any control over. I'm a very detailed oriented, type-A person... a control freak if you will. So when situations arise that I can't change on my own, I really struggle. I have recognized that I can control my reactions and emotions to these trials, but it has been super hard to do. I haven't always been successful at doing it. It has been and continues to be a challenge to let go.

The only thing that has kept me going through my latest series of trials (besides my loving husband) is my testimony. I've done a lot of looking back at my past experiences and have reminded myself that the Lord has always been there for me. I've had to wait for things to happen in my life before, and no matter how hard I tried to make things happen, I always got the same answer: just wait. I know the Lord is aware of me, my trials, needs and wants. I know that He loves me in a way that I can never understand. I know that as soon as I let go and turn my will over to Him that He will be able to work miracles in my life. I know all of this logically, but how come I can't feel it? How come my mind knows this but my heart is still fighting against it? He has worked miracles in mine and my husband's lives. The path that led us through school to our jobs here in New York was miraculous. I didn't understand any of it at the time, but looking back, I can see exactly how all the pieces fell in the perfect way. I know that His plan is better than mine. I know all of this from reflecting on past trials. But how come it is so hard to once again be patient and turn my will to His, to wait for His plan, to trust in Him. I guess it is a life long process of changing and learning to completely trust Him. Especially when once again I don't understand.

I have to remind myself daily to let my faith be greater than my fear. To let go of what I can't control and give that part up to the Lord. It is a daily struggle that hopefully I will learn to overcome. Until then I will keep waking up, keep reminding myself, and keep moving forward. I will have hope that things will turn out right. I will have hope that I can overcome.

I am so grateful for my husband. He is seriously my lifesaver. I have depended upon him so much these last few months, and he has been there every step of the way with me. I am so grateful for his daily reminders that he loves me, for his support on days that I've felt like giving up and for the laughter that he brings into my life everyday.

These are just a few of my thoughts today. I find it easier to understand what I'm thinking and feeling if I write it down.